Politics
I Haven’t Been Well Since That South African Chap Came to the White House, Says Donald Trump
Washington, D.C. — U.S. President Donald Trump has finally opened up about his recent health scare, blaming none other than South African President Cyril Ramaphosa for his condition.
In a press briefing held at The White House on Thursday evening, Trump dramatically declared, “I haven’t been well since that South African chap came to the White House. I think he brought something. Maybe it was in his handshake. It was a very strong, suspiciously strong handshake. Almost like a trap.”
Legs Swollen with Democracy
This comes just days after Trump’s medical team announced he had been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency — a condition affecting blood flow in the legs, and apparently,
According to unnamed Secret Service sources, Ramaphosa allegedly gifted Trump a mysterious packet of biltong and a wooden giraffe with a strange hum. The giraffe now sits silently in a box marked “Classified (Maybe Voodoo?)” at the CIA headquarters.
“I don’t know what was in that dried meat, but ever since I took a bite, I’ve been walking like a guy who skipped leg day for 50 years,” Trump whispered to reporters, visibly annoyed at having to wear compression socks during interviews.
The Oval Office Curse
Trump’s inner circle is reportedly concerned that the White House visit in February may have left behind “residual Ubuntu,” which has been confusing Trump’s immune system and causing him to speak in brief, reflective proverbs like, “If you want to go far, go alone. Or with Melania. Or maybe Jared.”
Former advisor Steve Bannon has proposed burning sage and playing Kid Rock backwards to reverse the alleged Southern African diplomatic voodoo.
Ramaphosa Responds
When asked to comment on Trump’s claims, President Ramaphosa chuckled and said, “Tell him to elevate his legs and drink rooibos tea. That’s what we do here.” He then added cryptically, “The spirit of Madiba moves mysteriously.”
Back at Mar-a-Lago
Meanwhile, Trump has started wearing custom red compression socks branded “Make Legs Great Again.” A new line of them is expected to launch on Truth Social next week, along with a “Biltong Detector” app allegedly powered by AI and Elon Musk’s cousin.
“I’ll recover,” Trump assured supporters. “But next time, no more foreign presidents unless they bring cheeseburgers or at least declare Florida as their twin province.”
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Donald Trump’s legs remain classified, and Ramaphosa has no known history of weaponized diplomacy — unless you count awkward pauses and national power outages.
Politics
INEC Ends CVR Phase II With 3.7 Million Registrations, Begins Claims and Objections
By Our Correspondent
As the 2027 general elections draw close,Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) has concluded the second phase of the nationwide Continuous Voter Registration (CVR) exercise on Friday, recording a total of 3,748,704 completed registrations across the country.
The figure contained in the commission’s weekly update for week 14 of the second phase of the exercise comprises both online pre-registrations and in-person completions at designated centres nationwide, reflecting sustained public participation in the voter registration process ahead of the 2027 General Election.
A breakdown of the registrations shows that 2,259,288 Nigerians completed their registration through the online pre-registration portal, while 1,489,416 finalized their registration physically.
The commission notes that the figures are preliminary and subject to further verification.
With the conclusion of the registration phase, INEC has now shifted focus to the display of the Register of Voters for Claims and Objections, a critical stage in ensuring the accuracy and credibility of the voter register.
The display exercise will take place at designated centres nationwide from 29th April to 5th May, 2026, providing an opportunity for citizens to verify their details and raise objections where necessary.
The commission urges all Nigerians who registered during the second phase to take advantage of this window to confirm the accuracy of their information and assist in identifying ineligible entries, including duplicate registrations, deceased persons and non-citizens.
The CVR exercise is being conducted in phases. The first phase commenced on 18th August 2025 and ended on 10th December 2025, while the second phase ran from 5th January 2026 to 17th April 2026.
The date for the commencement of the 3rd phase will be made public in due course.
The commission reaffirmed that maintaining a clean and credible voter register remains central to the conduct of free, fair, and transparent elections.
Politics
ADC TO TINUBU: You Should be Scared, Your battle is Against Suffering Nigerians -Says President’s Comments Are Unpresidential
By George Mgbeleke
The African Democratic Congress has said that President Bola Ahmed Tinubu should be afraid of a major defeat in 2027 because he would be contesting against millions of Nigerians who have faced unprecedented hardship under his government.
In a statement by National Publicity Secretary Bolaji Abdullahi, the party made the remark in reaction to a statement by the President that he is not scared of the opposition, whom he mocked as holding its convention on the street.
The party, however, described the remarks as unpresidential, saying that with his utterances, the President appears preoccupied with politics even as the majority of Nigerians sink deeper into poverty and are left helpless in the hands of insurgents and kidnappers.
The full statement reads:
The African Democratic Congress (ADC) has taken note of the comments made by Bola Ahmed Tinubu at the Presidential Villa concerning the ADC and the state of the opposition.
What Nigerians saw was not the confidence of a leader in control. It was the anxiety of a President increasingly disconnected from the reality of hardship, insecurity, and frustration facing millions of citizens.
At a time when families are battling a historic cost of living crisis, food inflation, rising debt burdens, and collapsing purchasing power, the President chose to mock the opposition instead of addressing the suffering of Nigerians. However, even as he spoke, reports of children being abducted from examination centres were circulating. This is the reality of today’s Nigeria, insecurity spreading deeper into everyday life while government appears distracted.
The President should not be ridiculing the opposition. He should be deeply concerned that the majority of Nigerians have rejected his government, whose ill-conceived policies have ruined lives and destroyed livelihoods. These are the reasons he should be scared, because the people are determined to vote him out.
We also reject the false narrative around the ADC National Convention. We did not hold our convention on the street. If that was the story supplied to the President by agents of disruption, then he has been misinformed.
But even if any opposition party were forced to gather outside established venues, Nigerians would understand why. Under this administration, democratic space has shrunk significantly. No government before now had denied political parties fair access to public venues such as Eagle Square, a national civic ground that belongs to all Nigerians, not to any ruling party.
The President also cannot preach separation of powers while simultaneously assuming the role of interpreter of the law, political referee, and commentator on judicial matters. President Bola Ahmed Tinubu cannot be a President and a judge at the same time.
If this administration truly respected separation of powers, Nigerians would not have witnessed the repeated weakening and humiliation of institutions meant to serve as checks and balances. The legislature, in particular, has too often appeared reduced to an extension of executive convenience.
We also note the President’s recent attempt to ingratiate himself with the supporters of late President Muhammadu Buhari. After years of distancing himself from the late President and denigrating his record, blaming him for every failure of his government, it is hypocritical to suddenly make a U-turn because of the coming election. It is too late.
The issue before the country today is simple: hardship is rising, insecurity is worsening, debt is mounting, and hope is fading. No amount of political theatre can hide that truth.
The ADC remains focused on building a credible alternative anchored on competence, security, prosperity, and democratic freedom. Nigerians deserve better than excuses, propaganda, and power games.
Politics
CITRE says Purported INC Election Was Illegal,null and Void –Yet To fix Date for Election
By David Owei,Bayelsa
Barely four days the Council of Ijaw Traditional Rulers and Elders (CITRE) has on Thursday said, there is no elections into the executive council of Ijaw National Congress (INC) on Monday 13th April 2026 as been speculated in some quarters that elections was held.
CITRE being the only body that superintendents over the INC still maintained it’s action suspending the election into the executive positions of the Ijaw National Congress (INC), insisting on the guiding principles of the INC Constitution. The alleged election had procedural errors, without due process and therefore declared null and void,as there were constitutional violations marred with irregularities that were at variance with CITRE,s constitution.
Addressing press conference in his office at the state Traditional Rulers Council Secretariat in Yenagoa the state capital, Chairman of CITRE, HRM, King Bubaraye Dakolo Agada IV, Ibenanaowei of Ekpetiama Kingdom, who is also the Chairman of Bayelsa Traditional Rulers Council, on Thursday said CITRE stand on the Constitutional Process and the INC Electoral Timeline.
Speaking further said, ” no elections on the 13th of April 2026. We asked our people not to participate in that kangaroo elections and they stayed away. Maybe the outgoing president,Prof. Benjamin Okaba has a motive behind his actions,that is why he is in a hurry to conduct an elections without following due process as stipulated by INC constitution.
” The purported elections was just another efforts in futility. The seven man committee will have it inaugural meeting on Monday 20th April 2026 and at the end, we will organized a credible, peaceful and rancour Free elections.
“Until issues are settled and you withdraw your case and show evidence that you have withdrawn, then you can conduct an elections. Why would he want to deceive everybody, then there must be a motive. There is nothing wrong if he cannot conduct an elections and his time expires, CITRE can take over and manage the affairs of the Ijaw apex body until a proper elections is conducted.
” The constitution has given us power to settle disputes including elections disputes. On this matter CITRE has taken a decision and the decision is final’.
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